Moe Szyslak
Morris "Moe" Szyslak '''(pronounced "siz-lack"), also known as '''Moe the Bartender(born November 24), is the proprietor and bartender of "Moe's Tavern", a Springfield bar frequented by Homer Simpson and his friends. To the C A L L B O Y S, Moe is also known as a God. He goes by the name Moe "cumstains on his back" Szyslak and is the foundation that holds the C A L L B O Y S together. Biography Moe Szylak was born on November 24. He either illegally immigrated to the United States from the Netherlands (he reveals his Dutch heritage in "Bart-Mangled Banner") or was born in Indiana. He used to have an Italian accent but no longer uses it, hinting at Italian heritage. In the episode entitled "Lisa Goes Gaga," Moe said that he was "Half monster, half Armenian." It is further referenced in the episode "Moe Goes from Rags to Riches" his father is the yeti that lives on Mt. Everest. In a more recent episode, Moe states that his birth was the result of a "Gypsy Curse" that had been placed on his mother that after 3 months of gestation he popped out backwards and on fire. As a child, he played the part of "Smelly", a tough kid, on The Little Rascals until he killed Alfalfa (or rather, an orphan portraying as him) in a fit of rage for stealing his bit and was fired. For a while, he suffered from ring-worm claiming "For a while, I was a little more worm than kid." His first kiss was at 10 with Comic Book Guy. At some unspecified time during his childhood, his parents dropped him off at summer camp, never to return, leaving Camp See-a-Tree as the closest he could call a home. Moe becomes a victim of prank callswhen young Marge calls the boys' camp and requests "Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar", Homer's alias. An angry Moe hangs up, turns to the camera and says, "And, uh, that's the origin of that". Moe has stolen many things, perhaps most prominently a bag of gold Aztec coins from a young, aspiring Snake, turning the latter to a life of crime. As a young man, Moe became a professional boxer, going by the names "Kid Gorgeous", "Kid Presentable", "Kid Gruesome", and "Kid Moe." Moe blames his boxing career for making him ugly, despite in Them, Robot, a child Moe has a normal face, but then an elephant steps on him turning his face to the way it is today. According to Moe, his boxing career ended because of politics, and because he was knocked out 40 times in a row. Moe's ugliness got him rejected for a role on the soap opera "It Never Ends". Later plastic surgery nailed him the role before his face was damaged to its original appearance. His current appearance has been described as consisting of "cauliflower ear, lizard lips, little rat eyes, caveman brow and fish snout". After attending bartending school at Swigmore University (a play on Swarthmore College), Moe opened up his own drinking establishment, though often operating on expired, out-of-state, or forged liquor licenses. As an aside, it was revealed that Moe started a cult. He also dabbled in Satanism, but was asked to leave. Moe discovered a knack for judging competitions (rather harshly), leading him to a place on American Idol. After a spat with Simon Cowell, he was banned from judging and the state of California. In a previous episode he said he does many things but judging isn't one of them. During Trappuccino, he claimed he was the emperor of Springfield. Personality Moe is characterized by a short, violent temper (particularly aiming a makeshift shotgun at customers), coupled with homicidal and suicidal tendencies and a proclivity towards obsessive behaviors. He has low self-esteem and is suicidal, suggesting he may suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. He has an annual Christmas tradition of attempted suicide, but his attempts are comically unsuccessful (landing on a hot-air balloon after jumping out of a plane, for example). He's called the suicide hotline so many times that they've blocked his number. Moe is especially bitter, keeping an enemies list nearly identical to that of Richard Nixon, with the addition of Barney. He has assumed a leading role in many of Springfield's angry mobs (including, at times, starting mob riots for the sake of doing so), and kidnapping Talking Heads vocalist David Byrne. He has also engaged in bizarre behavior, such as shooting at Carl, robbing Homer of expensive pants, keeping Hans Moleman under his bars in a subterranean torture chamber, perpetrating insurance fraud, and stalking various townspeople. This behavior is further exhibited when he becomes the self-proclaimed Emperor of Springfield when the town is trapped in a dome.5 His leadership is challenged by Barney who throws a Molotov Cocktail at him, which Moe successfully throws back. He once implies that he probably wouldn't continue to be suicidal if Reverend Lovejoy had told him that he had much to live for. Moe has a strained love life due to his vulgar attitude, especially towards women. Nevertheless, Moe has had a number of romantic experiences, including sleeping with his bartender Colette, dating a woman named Renee, and enjoying the company of many women after he had plastic surgery to correct his ugly appearance. According to The Fight Before Christmas, Moe was in a relationship with singer/songwriter Katy Perry as she was 'into puppets'. He has long been infatuated with Homer's wife Marge (whom he often refers to as Midge) and has on occasion professed his love for her and tried to win her away from Homer. Moe's romantic attractions have resulted in criminal behavior and run-ins with the law; he has stalked Maude Flanders and other townspeople, he must register as a sex offender, and has had a restraining order placed upon him. Regarding his sex offender status, he also once told Brockman when asked if he is a registered voter that he was a "registered... something" before shifting his eyes. At one point he is seen on his way to a "V.D. clinic". Moe has also proposed marriage to a WNBA mascot, even knowing that the character inside the mascot is Gil Gunderson. He dated a woman named Maya whom he met on the internet and is shocked when she turns out to be a little person. He is initially afraid to introduce her to people and he proposes eventually. She almost accepts but he keeps making inappropriate jokes about her height. He even went as far as to arrange a surgical procedure so that he was the same height as Maya but he never went ahead with the operation. He also once dated Mrs. Muntz. Despite his faults, Moe has been shown to express genuine love and sentimentality, which suggests that he may not be as gruff as he appears. He has a cat named Mr. Snookums, of whom he is very fond. Moe is also kind towards the rats that live in his bar. On Wednesday nights, he reads to the homeless in a local soup kitchen and he also reads to sick children at the hospital every Wednesday night. Until it was destroyed, Moe had a fondness for a jar of pickled eggs. He saved the owner of King Toot's music store and his wife from a flaming car. Moe has expressed distaste of cruelty towards animals. He saved the life of Maggie Simpson (ironically at a time that he was about to jump from a bridge) and took efforts to protect her. Moe engaged in charity work in South America or Africa, using a flying fan to fight forest fires and deliver medical supplies to people devastated by floods. Moe has knowledge of automobiles and dancing. Also, in the middle of the baseball game, he run naked on a field in front of everyone to help Bart and gain another try for him to catch a ball. When Moe noticed that Homer, Apu, and Timothy Lovejoy had relationship problems with their wives, Moe fake-threatened to run away with one of them, in hopes that the men would appreciate their wives. He is also rumored to have rescued the Springfield Elementary Model U.N. Club that was stranded on an island. Exactly how is unknown. Moe's Tavern Moe is the owner and, except for a few instances where temporary help is hired, the only employee of Moe's Tavern. His most loyal customer is Barney Gumble, with other regulars including Homer Simpson, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Sam and Larry. Moe is notoriously cheap with his customers, refusing to give them free drinks, or throwing them out when they are out of money (and in one case, calling designated drivers "cheapskates"). He encourages his customers to drink as much as possible to grow their tab. Barney's tab had to be calculated by NASA; the total came to $14 billion. Moe removed games from the bar, noting that "people drink less when they're having fun". Moe generally serves Duff beer on tap, having little knowledge of liquors or wines; the liquor bottles visible behind the bar are said to be "painted on," and in one instance, he unknowingly sells an expensive 1888 bottle of Château Latour for a few dollars. He enthusiastically abandons his bar, its regular customers, and his friends when a better opportunity comes along, such as the drink "The Flaming Moe", the opening of his postmodern bar "M", and the conversion of his bar into a family-themed restaurant called "Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag". Moe is often engaged in shady or illegal activities at his tavern, including smuggling pandas and orcas, hosting Russian roulette games, operating an unlicensed casino, serving liquor without a license (his expired in 1973 and it's only good in Rhode Island as well as being signed by Moe himself), running a speakeasy during Springfield's brief flirtation with Prohibition, and performing unlicensed surgery. While Moe and his bar have gained occasional popularity, the phenomenon tends to be short-lived. C A L L B O Y S After many years of being pushed around, Moe finally decided to do something with his life and approach the C A L L B O Y S. There, Moe was easily accepted into the group as a God of some form. Shortly after being accepted into the group, the C A L L B O Y S decided to make a game starring Moe as the main villain titled "Maximoe Carnage". It will be coming soon, and will be featured in an upcoming episode of the Simpsons. Moe's Abs